Well, not really, but I do need help!

I forgot about a Halloween party for work tomorrow (I work in a Sports Pub) and I don't have a costume yet! What's something cute, but slightly slutty (haha!) that I could throw together? Or find last minute? Any ideas, suggestions??


I promise to post an update soon. =) I have some stuff written out, I just need to type it all up. Tomorrow daytime I think will be best. =) I hope all of you out there in bloggy land are doing well!!!


-S.

I'm used to being comfortable. Not rolling in the dough by any means, to go shopping and buy as I please, but basic necessities and bills were never too much of an issue. And I'm definitely not used to having to be meticulous about my checkbook. I'm not used to having to remember every single time I get gas because if I don't that $50 is going to cause something to bounce. I really need to learn how to be better...and fast.

My car payment is about to bounce and I am sitting here in tears wondering how the hell I got here, and how the hell I get out. When I was in the Navy, I was very used to having a reliable and steady income since I was 18 years old. And when I became a SAHM, it was a bit tighter, but manageable. But now I have nothing. I'm living in a bedroom with my daughters, sharing a closet, back at my parents house. I went from being independent, out on my own, married with a family, to single, at home, waitressing at night and trying to scrape money in any way I can. It's incredibly disheartening. All the while he's having a grand ol' time, living up the single life, going out, partying. He cheated. He did it. He ruined our life together, and I'm the one that's paying. I've never played the victim, or wanted sympathy from anyone...but I'm pissed.

My car payment is probably $200 more than I can really afford at the moment, but my lease isn't up until March. Obviously when I signed it, I was married with a dual income and making the $430 payment wasn't a huge issue...but now it definitely is.

I'm waiting to hear back from the child support office because A. should be giving me about $200 more a month than he currently is, plus helping with the cost of daycare. That way I can actually get the girls enrolled and I can work more than the the few nights a week that my parents will babysit for.

I feel like I'm so desperately trying to keep my head above water and I am just trying to keep positive and see that light at the end of the tunnel, but it's really freaking hard. I feel angry. I feel embarrassed. I feel pathetic. For the first time in my life I've had to seek out help. Everything combined..it's all too much. I don't want to lose my hope. I don't want to lose my faith, my strength. But it's all just too much. I just want to be ok. I want to, I need to know that I'll be ok; that we'll make it. Because right now it doesn't feel that way at all..


Ugh. Sorry. I needed to get that out. I'm a creature of emotion. I'll figure it all out by tomorrow, I'm sure.


-S.

Seriously. If it's possible, I just had one. The Eagles won. The Phils are one game away from taking the World Series in 5 games. I must say, it's been a damn good day.

Now, I must go to bed because I have some placement exams for college tomorrow. I am one naughty girl for staying up to watch the Phils game...but it was so worth it... =)

So I was browsing through some other single mom/dad blogs today, and have come across some opinions that I'm not quite sure how I feel about.

I understand that there are going to be a lot of different views across the world wide web, and that it would be one boring place if we all felt the same way, but this is in regard to the timeliness of dating again.

I guess maybe I always considered my marriage different from most, being that we spent more than half of it apart. I promise all of you that I didn't take my vows lightly, and tried everything under the sun to "fix" us and make the marriage work. But every time we went through online affair after online affair, I guess part of me was just counting on the day that I would give him the choice, and have the courage to really mean it. It was like each time it was uncovered, I cried a little less, and got a little bit stronger and felt the love go away a little bit more. I felt so trapped for so long. After I got out of the Navy, I was a SAHM with two SMALL children. I had no income and no where to go. He could do as he pleased, and I had to just sit back and take it, and he knew it. It wasn't until I finally came clean to my family and friends about what was truly going on in my life did I find my way out. I had put on the happy face for a very long time in hopes that things would someday change. But they didn't, and they won't. One person can't hold a marriage together if the other has no desire to be there.

So, while I understand the argument of not being emotionally available..and maybe I'm not. But I'm also 23. And if I want to date around a bit, just because I never got a chance to when I was younger, and I'm open and honest with people about my situation, I don't see why I shouldn't. He is. He has a new girlfriend already, and he's happy as hell, and I'm happy for him. Really, and honestly. Because when he's happy, that less he's making my life miserable. =) Even though I probably should, I don't hate him. I don't have the time or energy to waste on such a useless emotion. And he doesn't hate me. We got married before we really knew each other, had a family before we should have, and everything snow balled from there. What's done is done, and I think we're both ok with moving on and finding happiness on our own. I know that I don't want to be married anytime soon. I would like to date someone for at least 4-5 years before taking that plunge again (A. and I were only together 6 months before we got married) and I know that I don't want any more children for at least that time plus some, and I'm honest with people about my feelings on that, then I guess I don't see the issue.

I was a loving, and faithful wife for the 3 1/2 years that we were married. He cheated. He broke the vows. He threw in the final towel. So I guess I don't see anything wrong with living it up for awhile, but hey, maybe that's just me.

As I was playing with my daughters this morning, something hit me. Through the giggles and laughter, the dancing and the tickling, I stopped for a moment and saw the smiles on their faces and it hit me that we were going to be ok. That it was up to me and me alone, but that this was something I couldn't fail at. I can't fail at raising my children. I want to teach them so many things. To find that balance between innocence and street smarts that I haven't quite been able to grasp yet. That you can be the sweet, domesticated girl, love to shop and dress up, but love sports and throw back comebacks with the best of them. That it's ok to belt out songs in the car or to cry when you're angry, or hurt, or upset, or happy, or sad. I want them to be empowered by their emotions, not see them as weaknesses. To know that it's ok to be silly and ditzy as long as that's not all they are. To find something they love to do and hold onto it for dear life. I want them to love with all their hearts, but to not let their love make stupid decisions. To know that no love will ever be stronger than the love they have for each other and that true friends are friends for life. I want to teach them all the things that it's taken me 23+ years to learn and then tell them to throw it all out the window because you never stop learning, changing and growing. I just see how small they are and how much life they have ahead of them and I wish for so much for them. My precious little girls. They are going to do wonderful things and be wonderful people. I just know.

So as promised, here's the latest and greatest. I promise I'm REALLY going to try and remember to post more often. This can't be part of my healing process if I never remember to do it.

I called it off with Furniture Guy. A little over a month ago. He was pretty hurt, but I warned him from the start that it was all faster than I was ready for. It was just too much, too soon, and my feelings were only ever luke warm. So that's that.

I met Officer A-hole at the beginning of the month, a few days after C.'s first birthday (aw!). Things were REALLY good there. I mean, it was weird. We had a scary amount of things in common, including our birthday. On our first day we went to the movies and then to the beach and talked for hours. We talked for hours all the time actually...on the phone, in person, through text, etc. It was nice. He really convinced me to let my guard down, asked me to be his girlfriend, to come to church with him and meet his daughter, and then BAM. I sleep over, we have a night of fairly ok sex, and then he's telling me that he needs time to just be himself without dating someone. Um, excuse me?? First of all, I don't have sex with just anyone. Plus he was the first person I'd been with since A. and I split. The whole thing was just...weird. So we tried staying friends. He had shoulder surgery on Monday and I brought him the gift basket I had planned on giving him while we were dating, nothing big, just some little inside things that I knew would cheer him up, and a lasagna since I knew he wouldn't be cooking much. So he writes me telling me what a perfect catch I am, and how he hopes that I'll still be single by the time he's ready to date again, blah blah blah. This was Tuesday. Thursday night he texts me saying that he can't talk to me anymore because he's getting back with his ex-girlfriend that he broke up with about a month before me. Seriously, WTF. He turned into a major jerk and liar and I totally didn't see that coming. Welcome to the world of Dating, S. I definitely won't be so quick to let someone into my life and heart so fast. Screw that.

Things are coming along school wise. I have talked with the counselors, and I go in on Monday to take a placement exam, then back again on the 10th to pick out my courses. Class starts January 16th and I am STOKED to get this chapter of my life started. If I've failed to mention it before, I'm using my G.I. Bill to go back to school for my Elementary Education Degree. I should have it done in 3 years and I'm really excited to get started. School was the reason I moved home in the first place bc of the divorce, so it's nice to finally get that going.

There's been some slight drama with A., but most of it just continues to affirm my belief in the divorce and let's me know that this is absolutely what's right for everyone involved. Some of it makes me laugh, some of it makes me angry, but whatever. The faster we get it done and over with the better. =)

So as of right now, I don't have even any prospects of anyone who is datable and I'm ok with that. I refuse to settle for anything less than I deserve, and that's just what I'm going to keep doing. =)

Phillies are up by one on the top of the 5th, so yay for that. Let's hold them there, and then my birds against Atlanta tomorrow. Prime potential for a great sports win. I hope my teams pull through for me. I could certainly use it.

I believe those are the biggest topics of the update. I'll definitely keep you posted.

Until next time,

S.

I'm a strong advocate for Car Seat Safety. So many people are uninformed about the new laws and recommendations done by individual states and by the AAP.

I'll give a big update shortly, but I just have to say that I love my hometown and I'm so stoked at how well the Phillies are doing. =) Future World Series Champs 2008. PHILLY LOVE.

Now if only my Eagles would cooperate as well....

I just have to say that I think little baby chucks are the cutest things ever. Just got B. & C.'s fall shoes in & I'm swooning. =)

Two questions.

One. Is there something wrong with a man who's 36 and never been married?? Honestly.

And two. How important are things like opening car doors while dating. Is that a bad start from the beginning, or has most of that romance gone out the window anyway?

I'm not going to lie. I forgot about you for a little bit. Things have been a little hectic, so please forgive my transgression.

I guess we'll get right down to it and say that Sexy Boy is still a creep. He's a hot creep, but a creep none-the-less. I still talk to him occasionally for fun, but there's definitely not any potential there. Such a shame, because again, I repeat, he's hot.

Furniture Guy is still around. He's certainly holding his own, I'll give him that. He's actually REALLY great. But I feel like he wants so much more than I can give him right now. He even asked me to move in already (!!), which is crazy, I know. It's only been like 3 weeks. He says that he understands that I want to take things slow, but he's never felt this way about anyone before, and he doesn't want to lose me either. So yeah, I don't know where to go on that one. If I didn't actually like him, I'd probably end things right off the bat, because he's far more serious than I'm ready for, but he's so supportive of my situation, he thinks I'm the best thing since sliced bread (I mean, duh!) and he wants to give me everything I've ever dreamed of. I feel like I'd be a fool to just brush him off so soon. He treats me like a princess, and he's the biggest gentleman I've ever met. I hate to just give him up, and then six months down the line totally regret it.

My problem with all of this, is I never got to test the water. Furniture Guy is the FIRST guy I've dated since the separation. I can't fall for my rebound. Isn't there a rule against that??? How can I date around a little bit to make sure my feelings are for sure, without hurting his feelings? This whole dating thing totally sucks. I need to find a book or something. I have no clue what I'm doing.

On a lighter note, I did meet some fun locals the other night. Sadly, on the same night my precious Eagles lost to the Cowboys. I was a sad girl. Anyway, I met these guys, all super nice and my age (for once!). Strictly friendly, at least for now. This guy Wolfy and I have been texting a bit, but if I have a crush on anyone it will be for his friend Softball Dude. Now he's yummy. I spotted him earlier in the day at the gas station filling his cooler in the back of his El Camino. We exchanged lingering glances only to find ourselves hanging out randomly later that night. Fate, perhaps? I guess we'll find out. =)

Well, I seem to have myself in a bit of a pickle already. Could that maybe be a record?

I don't even really know how I got here...or, I guess I do, but I definitely didn't anticipate results so soon.

When I joined the Navy out of high school, my parents saw it as prime opportunity to move. Regardless that I was born and raised in the same town my entire life, they saw it fit to pack up and move three hours south, and about thirty miles from the beach. I guess they didn't anticipate me moving back either, but it's still the point. I don't know know anyone. So I had the bright idea to sign myself up for match.com. I haven't dated in over four years, so I figured it couldn't hurt to at least see what is out there. I know, I know, silly right?

Anyway, on my, all of two and a half days on the site, I met Furniture Guy. He's 26 and also new to the area. He just got a job as a Furniture Salesman about 40 minutes from here. He's really sweet, very funny, totally ok with the girls and genuinely interested in my relationship with them. He's really understanding of my situation, and is so sweet about not wanting to pressure me and suggested working on our friendship first if I'm not ready for more. I mean, he's great, right? He just seems like a super fun guy, and we have a lot in common. We talked for two hours on the phone last night, and have been emailing and texting now for a few days. I could really see it going somewhere if just for the fact that he's such a caring person, combined with everything else that's awesome about him.

But then today, out of the blue, Sexy Boy, from my past, pops up. He friended me on myspace, and I wrote him back saying to add me on facebook, since I'm deleting my myspace until the dust settles from the seperation/divorce. I think a few months will do. So after writing me back, he gets my IM name from facebook, and writes me. The scoop on Sexy Boy is there is a LOAD of sexual tension between us. I mean, a boat load. I met him when I was around 16 or 17 and he was five years older, which would make him 28 right now. Nothing serious happened between us, probably because of the age issue and just the situation in general, but I liked him a lot. He's big, and strong, and sexy and everything that attracts me to a man. And he wasn't far off when he insinuated today that I married a "crappier" version of him. Actually, there might be some truth to that and it scares me a little. He was saying how he always liked me, but then I left for the Navy without saying goodbye, and when he found me again, I was already married so he couldn't say anything. And I guess today, when I said I was getting a divorce, he finally woke up. But so many red flags are going off here. Him and A. have so much in common. Would I be setting myself up for the next trap, or was I only ever drawn to A. because of my repressed feelings for Sexy Boy? Could Sexy Boy be who I wanted all along? He was pretty clear that he doesn't want a hookup, and that he wants me as his(!), so I don't even know.

I think I may be in over my head. I am not cut out for dating, I never was. Am I rushing things to much? But again, I'm not the one who couldn't stay commited and faithful. I even said I would go to counseling with A. if he was willing to do whatever it took to save us and he decided his privacy was more important, so that's not my fault. I've always been good at relationships, and I was good at being a wife. So does that mean I should punish myself forever because I picked the wrong husband? I wish I had some sort of a sign.

On a different note, I have a job interview tomorrow! It's not the hours or the position I was looking for, so I'm still going to apply elsewhere, but for whatever reason they still wanted me to interview. Cross fingers for me! I haven't interviewed for anything since I was, um, 16? So I'm a tad bit nervous.

Divorcee and single mom of two at the ripe young age twenty-three. Ask me five years ago if I thought that I'd be here, and I would have laughed in your face.

I guess I should start off with a little backstory...I'll do the quick recap for you so I won't bore...

I joined the Navy at eighteen.
Met and married -A. at nineteen.
Had -B. at twenty.
Had -C. at twenty-two.
Throw in three deployments in that mix, and about a half a dozen online affairs on his part, varying in degrees, and that should bring you up to speed.

I warned him that I wouldn't keep forgiving him, and that one day his apologies and false promises were going to fall on deaf ears once he got me to the point that I no longer believed him. And I caught him for the last time. I originally had agreed to wait until he got home from Iraq and we would go to counseling, but another girl just fell in my lap again, without me even having to look. He's not willing to do anything on his part to save the marriage, won't give up passwords, or delete accounts, or go to counseling, and now says that he doesn't think he's "ready" to be married. Nice. Thanks for realizing that three and a half years and two children into our marriage. So here I am, living back at my parents house with my little girls, and as humble as ever.

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I'm starting this blog to help me get myself back on my feet, both in mind and in body. I'm going to have to learn the ropes of being a newly single mom of a rebellious two year old and a very curious 11 month old, become a full time student, find a job again after being a stay at home mom for over a year, and the insanely scary feat of trying to date again. =)