I'm used to being comfortable. Not rolling in the dough by any means, to go shopping and buy as I please, but basic necessities and bills were never too much of an issue. And I'm definitely not used to having to be meticulous about my checkbook. I'm not used to having to remember every single time I get gas because if I don't that $50 is going to cause something to bounce. I really need to learn how to be better...and fast.

My car payment is about to bounce and I am sitting here in tears wondering how the hell I got here, and how the hell I get out. When I was in the Navy, I was very used to having a reliable and steady income since I was 18 years old. And when I became a SAHM, it was a bit tighter, but manageable. But now I have nothing. I'm living in a bedroom with my daughters, sharing a closet, back at my parents house. I went from being independent, out on my own, married with a family, to single, at home, waitressing at night and trying to scrape money in any way I can. It's incredibly disheartening. All the while he's having a grand ol' time, living up the single life, going out, partying. He cheated. He did it. He ruined our life together, and I'm the one that's paying. I've never played the victim, or wanted sympathy from anyone...but I'm pissed.

My car payment is probably $200 more than I can really afford at the moment, but my lease isn't up until March. Obviously when I signed it, I was married with a dual income and making the $430 payment wasn't a huge issue...but now it definitely is.

I'm waiting to hear back from the child support office because A. should be giving me about $200 more a month than he currently is, plus helping with the cost of daycare. That way I can actually get the girls enrolled and I can work more than the the few nights a week that my parents will babysit for.

I feel like I'm so desperately trying to keep my head above water and I am just trying to keep positive and see that light at the end of the tunnel, but it's really freaking hard. I feel angry. I feel embarrassed. I feel pathetic. For the first time in my life I've had to seek out help. Everything combined..it's all too much. I don't want to lose my hope. I don't want to lose my faith, my strength. But it's all just too much. I just want to be ok. I want to, I need to know that I'll be ok; that we'll make it. Because right now it doesn't feel that way at all..


Ugh. Sorry. I needed to get that out. I'm a creature of emotion. I'll figure it all out by tomorrow, I'm sure.


-S.