I'm used to being comfortable. Not rolling in the dough by any means, to go shopping and buy as I please, but basic necessities and bills were never too much of an issue. And I'm definitely not used to having to be meticulous about my checkbook. I'm not used to having to remember every single time I get gas because if I don't that $50 is going to cause something to bounce. I really need to learn how to be better...and fast.

My car payment is about to bounce and I am sitting here in tears wondering how the hell I got here, and how the hell I get out. When I was in the Navy, I was very used to having a reliable and steady income since I was 18 years old. And when I became a SAHM, it was a bit tighter, but manageable. But now I have nothing. I'm living in a bedroom with my daughters, sharing a closet, back at my parents house. I went from being independent, out on my own, married with a family, to single, at home, waitressing at night and trying to scrape money in any way I can. It's incredibly disheartening. All the while he's having a grand ol' time, living up the single life, going out, partying. He cheated. He did it. He ruined our life together, and I'm the one that's paying. I've never played the victim, or wanted sympathy from anyone...but I'm pissed.

My car payment is probably $200 more than I can really afford at the moment, but my lease isn't up until March. Obviously when I signed it, I was married with a dual income and making the $430 payment wasn't a huge issue...but now it definitely is.

I'm waiting to hear back from the child support office because A. should be giving me about $200 more a month than he currently is, plus helping with the cost of daycare. That way I can actually get the girls enrolled and I can work more than the the few nights a week that my parents will babysit for.

I feel like I'm so desperately trying to keep my head above water and I am just trying to keep positive and see that light at the end of the tunnel, but it's really freaking hard. I feel angry. I feel embarrassed. I feel pathetic. For the first time in my life I've had to seek out help. Everything combined..it's all too much. I don't want to lose my hope. I don't want to lose my faith, my strength. But it's all just too much. I just want to be ok. I want to, I need to know that I'll be ok; that we'll make it. Because right now it doesn't feel that way at all..


Ugh. Sorry. I needed to get that out. I'm a creature of emotion. I'll figure it all out by tomorrow, I'm sure.


-S.

So I was browsing through some other single mom/dad blogs today, and have come across some opinions that I'm not quite sure how I feel about.

I understand that there are going to be a lot of different views across the world wide web, and that it would be one boring place if we all felt the same way, but this is in regard to the timeliness of dating again.

I guess maybe I always considered my marriage different from most, being that we spent more than half of it apart. I promise all of you that I didn't take my vows lightly, and tried everything under the sun to "fix" us and make the marriage work. But every time we went through online affair after online affair, I guess part of me was just counting on the day that I would give him the choice, and have the courage to really mean it. It was like each time it was uncovered, I cried a little less, and got a little bit stronger and felt the love go away a little bit more. I felt so trapped for so long. After I got out of the Navy, I was a SAHM with two SMALL children. I had no income and no where to go. He could do as he pleased, and I had to just sit back and take it, and he knew it. It wasn't until I finally came clean to my family and friends about what was truly going on in my life did I find my way out. I had put on the happy face for a very long time in hopes that things would someday change. But they didn't, and they won't. One person can't hold a marriage together if the other has no desire to be there.

So, while I understand the argument of not being emotionally available..and maybe I'm not. But I'm also 23. And if I want to date around a bit, just because I never got a chance to when I was younger, and I'm open and honest with people about my situation, I don't see why I shouldn't. He is. He has a new girlfriend already, and he's happy as hell, and I'm happy for him. Really, and honestly. Because when he's happy, that less he's making my life miserable. =) Even though I probably should, I don't hate him. I don't have the time or energy to waste on such a useless emotion. And he doesn't hate me. We got married before we really knew each other, had a family before we should have, and everything snow balled from there. What's done is done, and I think we're both ok with moving on and finding happiness on our own. I know that I don't want to be married anytime soon. I would like to date someone for at least 4-5 years before taking that plunge again (A. and I were only together 6 months before we got married) and I know that I don't want any more children for at least that time plus some, and I'm honest with people about my feelings on that, then I guess I don't see the issue.

I was a loving, and faithful wife for the 3 1/2 years that we were married. He cheated. He broke the vows. He threw in the final towel. So I guess I don't see anything wrong with living it up for awhile, but hey, maybe that's just me.